Moving Forward with our Grief

by Julia Rajtar, MAPS, BCC

“I just can’t seem to move on…,” is a statement often expressed by the bereaved.  What does moving on look like?  Does it mean forgetting the person?  Does it mean not crying more than 3 times/day?  Does it mean that the emotional gut punch in the stomach doesn’t hurt as much? Do we move on?

I learned to express sympathy from the examples I heard from others. I would say things I heard others say, like: “Haven’t you moved on yet?  Or “Isn’t it time to let go?”  I, like so many others, thought that grief had an ending point; we let go and moved on. After years of study, I have learned that these well-intentioned statements are hurtful and inaccurate. Bereaved people have struggled with these phrases because, for them, it feels as if there is an expectation to continue living, as if the relationship never happened. For those grieving a death, it felt like they were encouraged to deny the love they still have for the deceased. Thanatologists- those who study dying, death, and bereavement- acknowledge that many of us don’t “move on” from our grief. 

We can find comfort in a grief theory that proposes that we find a way to relocate the deceased in our lives and continue to move forward with them differently. After a person dies, we don’t forget them. The theory of Continuing Bonds conveys that we maintain a connection with the deceased, negotiating and renegotiating the meaning of the loss over time. Continuing bonds says that we stay connected to the person who died, easing the transition from the past to the future.  Love never dies; our relationship with the person never dies. That love now seeks a different way of being expressed.

In the Bakken-Young webinar You’re Not Supposed to Die Before Me: Death of a Child at Any Age, presenter Pamela Gabbay, EdD, FT, reminds us that “we grieve as deeply as we love”, that we experience deep feelings of grief because of the depth of love for the person who died. For most people, going through grief over time helps us, and that time is not limited. Grief lasts, even years later. Dr. Gabbay suggests that some of the ways we experience continuing bonds with our loved ones are: 

• Remembrance items can help us cope with the absence.
  • Jewelry, quilts, purses, teddy bears out of t-shirts, pillows
  • A Walk in their memory, candle lighting, memorial services, volunteering, and giving back
  • Memorial gardens, buying a bench or a stone in your person’s honor
• Saying their name,[the name of the person who died], brings comfort. When you say their name, it tells me they are not forgotten. You aren’t hurting me by saying their name.
• Having a conversation with them, talking to their photos, asking them for advice or guidance 

And, “we can still have this connection with the special person that died, even 30 years later.”

In his Tasks of Mourning, Psychologist William Worden reminds us that the last task is  

To Find a Way to Remember the Deceased While Embarking on the Rest of One’s Journey Through Life.

This means finding an appropriate place for the dead in our emotional life – a place that will help us go on living effectively in the world.

Resources:

Gabbay, Pamela, EdD, FT, “You’re Not Supposed to Die Before Me: Death of a child at any age,” Bakken-Young Funeral & Cremation Services, 16, Oct., 2025., zoom.us.You’re Not Supposed to Die Before Me.

Klass, Dennis , Silverman, Phyllis R., Nickman, Steven L., (Eds.). (1996). Continuing Bonds: New Understandings of Grief,   Routledge, Taylor & Francis Group.

Worden, William, PhD, ABPP. (2018). Tasks of Mourning, Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy, Fifth Ed.  Springer Publishing Company.