Ambivalent Loss – Mixed Feelings

by Chaplain Julia Rajtar, MAPS, BCC

“I usually don’t tell people this, because I’m embarrassed, but I’m so relieved he is gone,”  a wife shared about her husband after his death.  “His cancer was aggressive, and I felt so bad for him; I could see him struggle. I tried to make things easier and more comfortable for him, but he kept demanding from me, doing things himself making it more likely he would fall. I wanted to care for him while he was dying, but he made loving and caring for him, very hard.  He could never say thank you or that he loved me. He was both physically and emotionally exhausting! I miss him, and I am relieved he is gone, I love him and am so angry at him at the same time.”

Mixed feelings can impact our grief – or so we think. Earlier theories of grief suggested that intense and ongoing ambivalence can complicate grieving. We can experience a push-pull between love and hate, and it can be subtle or dramatic, both while anticipating a loss and after a death.  These mixed feelings are a natural response to loss and flow from who we are, our relationship with the person who died, and the ways that we responded to loss and hardship in the past. More current research has attempted to prove this theory, with some evidence of the link in initial grief but not in all cases of grief (BONANNO, NOTARIUS, GUNZERATH, KELTNER, AND HOROWITZ).

Some relationships are unhealthy and can lead to experiencing relief after a death, particularly in those where an individual controls another’s life. Some of their biting comments can wound, leading one to feel relief that the unhealthy situation has ended.   

Each experience of loss and grief is individual. Throughout life, there can be conflicts with an individual, that affect us when someone dies.  Relationship difficulties are not uncommon.  Sometimes, those difficulties with our special person are hidden from the sight of family and friends.  After the special person dies, our grief is “out of context, different, not what others would expect, because they were not aware of the conflicting relationship, maybe even not what we might expect. 

How then, should we go about living with the disconnect we may feel as we grieve, feeling love and hate, sadness and relief? If we were a caregiver to the dying, upending life and normal routines to provide care is a loving act, which also requires sacrifice.  A relationship with the dying person can be complicated, which can then impact our grief.  There are various circumstances where we experience relief after a person dies, some of which include if someone we love endures a prolonged illness or suffers when dying; if we were caregivers with all the stress and change that entailed; if the relationship with the dying was complex, and the caregiver is no longer in this unhealthy relationship.    

It is neither selfish nor wrong to feel relief after a person dies.  It is human. It is natural to feel relief for ourselves too. Sometimes, feelings of guilt may crop up, and it can help to speak with a grief counselor or a trusted confidant, especially if you have been a caregiver, a task that can be both physically and emotionally draining.  Although grief can be complicated, life is even more so.

Sources:

Journeys: A Newsletter to Help in Bereavement, July 2024    Grief Can Feel Like Relief, Kenneth J. Doka, Hospice Foundation of America, Washington, DC

Bonanno GA, Notarius CI, Gunzerath L, Keltner D, Horowitz MJ. Interpersonal ambivalence, perceived relationship adjustment, and conjugal loss. J Consult Clin Psychol. 1998 Dec;66(6):1012-22. doi: 10.1037//0022-006x.66.6.1012. PMID: 9874915.