When will the grief end? When will I feel normal again?

by Chaplain Julia Rajtar, BCC, MAPS

Each time she attended the group, the wife kept asking, “When will this end? When will I stop feeling this way?” Our lives are shattered after the death of a special person, and we attempt to pick up the pieces, trying to fit them together again. In that process, we come to discover that no matter how hard we try, the pieces won’t come back together, the way they were before.

When will the grief end? Professionals in the field of dying, death, and bereavement offer a variety of thoughts. Grief has no time limit or timetable; it’s intense for a while, and at some point, which does not have a designated time, it does quiet down. Here are some statements from those in the field about a grief timetable.

Grief is the natural response to loss, and there is no time limit.

We usually grieve intensely in the beginning, with grief dominating our lives. We call this acute grief. There are strong feelings of yearning, longing, and sorrow, along with insistent thoughts and memories of the person who died. Other painful emotions often include anxiety, anger, remorse, guilt, or shame. The period of acute grief lasts a variable amount of time, as we gradually find ways to accept the reality of the loss and restore our own capacity for wellbeing.

Grief doesn’t go away completely, but we change our relationship to it.

There is no time after which we expect people to stop grieving. In fact, grief is usually permanent after someone we love dies. However, the way our grief shows up changes over time. As we learn to live in a world without our special person, grief’s power over our thoughts, feelings, and behavior lessens. You can think of learning to live with the loss as a process of adapting to all the changes the loss brings, and as we adapt, grief settles down and finds a place in our life. In this more integrated form, it can become a force to help us grow and change. https://prolongedgrief.columbia.edu/what-it-is/

The Journey Through Grief

Facing our grief over the loss of a loved one can seem like a frightening journey into a foreign land of dark corners and scary terrain. We may wonder how we will survive the days ahead. Metaphorically, we might view the first days of shock and sorrow as walking on a barely lit unfamiliar road. We may feel very alone regardless of whether we have companions.

There are no timetables for how long grieving persists. But as a road map for the journey, it may help to notice three different periods of grief that we move in and out of for some time—shock, mourning, and reinvesting in life. https://hospicefoundation.org/Grief-(1)/Journeys-with-Grief-Articles/The-Journey-Through-Grief

How your brain copes with grief, and why it takes time to heal

Holidays are never quite the same after someone we love dies. Even small aspects of a birthday or a Christmas celebration — an empty seat at the dinner table, one less gift to buy or make — can serve as jarring reminders of how our lives have been forever changed. Although these realizations are hard to face, clinical psychologist Mary-Frances O’Connor says we shouldn’t avoid them or try to hide our feelings.

“Grief is a universal experience,” she notes, “and when we can connect, it is better.” O’Connor, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Arizona, studies what happens in our brains when we experience grief. She says grieving is a form of learning — one that teaches us how to be in the world without someone we love in it. “The background is running all the time for people who are grieving, thinking about new habits and how they interact now.”

Adjusting to the fact that we’ll never again spend time with our loved ones can be painful. It takes time — and involves changes in the brain. “What we see in science is, if you have a grief experience and you have support so that you have a little bit of time to learn, and confidence from the people around you, that you will in fact adapt.” NPR: How your brain copes with grief, and why it takes time to heal

There is no timeframe for grief; it remains with us, and we learn to carry it forward with us in life, adapting and adjusting, even growing along the way. Grief is unique and individual to each person.

If you find that grief is affecting your everyday life, and you believe life has been irreparably damaged by the loss, or if you can’t imagine how you could ever feel better, it may be more difficult to adapt to your loss. When relationships flounder, life may seem purposeless, and health is jeopardized, it is time to seek professional counseling.

Resources

Berly McCoy, “How your brain copes with grief, and why it takes time to heal,” NPR News https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2021/12/20/1056741090/grief-loss-holiday-brain-healing, December 20, 2021. Accessed July 13, 2024.

Judy Tatelbaum, MSW, LCSW, “The Journey through Grief”, Journeys with Grief: A Newsletter to Help in Bereavement, copyright Hospice Foundation of America, 2018. Hospice Foundation of America https://hospicefoundation.org/. Accessed July 13, 2024.

“Prolonged Grief”, The Center for Prolonged Grief https://prolongedgrief.columbia.edu/#, 2023, The Center for Prolonged Grief at Columbia University. Accessed July 13, 2024.