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A Widow’s Grief

A Widow’s Grief

A Widow’s Grief

by Julia Rajtar, MAPS, BCC

Not all grief is the same, even if your spouse died. We all grieve in our own way, and what might be helpful to one may not be helpful to another.

A widow of 2 years shared her experience of the death of her spouse and her grief. Her spouse was in hospice at home, she was a primary caregiver. Her grief is the grief of a person who experienced anticipatory grief before the death, and grief with intensity after the death. They had time to prepare and knew that death was coming, but that didn’t impact the deep pain after her spouse died, and all the adapting after the loss.

What was it like for you when he died?

  • It was so horrible. My kids were here helping before and after he died. We tried very hard to support my spouse’s wish to die at home.
  • We didn’t fully understand hospice, and we wished we had gotten hospice sooner.
  • After my spouse died, we held the celebration of life, and after a week with me, my kids all went home. Most do not live close.

How would you describe your grief in the first year?

  • Horrible.  My husband and I were soulmates and did everything together.  We were married for 57 years.  After retirement, we were together 24/7.
  • I wonder… who am I now, now that my lifetime partner is no longer here?  I was a spouse and caregiver; we built our home together and cared for the land together. “Who am I now?” is a question I’m still asking.
  • The first year, I went out almost every day just to get out of the house. There are memories of him everywhere I look, everything I do. I needed a break from that pain.

Who was your support system?

  • My relatives were there for me, all my children. One of my kids got me out of the house on a regular basis and often sat with me, talked with me, and cried with me. Like cheerleaders, my children encouraged me when I needed it and gave me the space to be sad, too.  I have a tremendous support group.
  • Sometimes, with all the support I felt, “I should be better by now,” and I wasn’t. That feeling would come and go, back and forth for me. 
  • One of my supports, my faith, let me down.  I prayed all the time when my spouse was sick, and it often felt as if God did not hear my prayers. I know I will renew my relationship with God, and I know that the people who have died are having quite a gathering in heaven.  I haven’t forgotten…
  • Nature is “my happy place”.  I love the outdoors.  My family gathers for meaningful days, one of which was St. Patrick’s Day, honored together in our traditional way, with a little adaptation.

What advice would you give other grieving widows?

  • Be patient with yourself and give yourself grace because it’s not going to be easy.
  • Maybe get yourself a dog, because then you may have something to complain about when you have to take it for a walk or pick up after it.
  • It’s ok to cry. It took a while for me to come to grips with that. No matter where you are, if you need to cry, cry.  If people don’t understand, that’s their problem.
  • I show more compassion and care to myself now, doing what I want and when I want. 
  • I continue to transform my love for my spouse, learning to honor it differently now, while also living my life.

 

Resources for Widows’ Grief (from other widows):

Books:

TED Talk:

Webinar:

Websites:

 

Categories: News Blog
Tags: Spouses and Grief, Widow, Widow's Grief

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