“Happy Father’s Day, Dad, even after you’re gone…”

by Julia Rajtar, MAPS, BCC

Honoring your father after he has died can feel both loving and awkward. You can still grill out, but he’s not there. You can still go to the park, but he’s not with you.  You can tell him you love him, but he won’t respond back, at least not in the usual way.  So then, do you even need to honor dad on Father’s Day, after he has died?

The answer is, that’s up to you.  For some, staying connected to dad brings back warm and loving memories of treasured times together, when he fixed your bike or fixed your car. After my dad retired he discovered the skill of baking banana bread, which he loved to share with the family.  For some, remembering and honoring the person who died can fill the pain you have come to live with in your heart. You don’t have to dedicate the whole day to remembering dad, maybe just part of the day, or an hour of the day, depending upon who wants to remember and what else may be going on.  

Loss is a normal human experience. The intensity and experience of grief are unique for every individual. Grief is not just an individual experience, family, community and other social systems influence grief. Just because a person isn’t crying, doesn’t mean they aren’t grieving.  Just because they don’t want to join the family in honoring the deceased father, doesn’t mean they aren’t honoring dad in another way, their way, and that’s ok too. 

Grief is complex and complicated too, because people are also complex and complicated.  When the relationship was strained, our grieving can also be affected. If your relationship was difficult or complicated with dad, or anyone else who died, join us for our fall webinar, in October, and watch for more information on our website.

Maybe this Father’s Day, your gift to your family can be as simple as, telling people important to you, that you love them. Let them know how you will be honoring dad and invite them to join you or dialogue about a way to honor dad together – even if only briefly, then move on with the day as best you can. Give people the space and permission to grieve in the ways that support them. 

Eddie Fisher sang the song: Oh! My Papa.  If it fits with your experience, enjoy it. If it doesn’t, what song would you use in it’s place?

RESOURCES: 

The78Prof. (2019,May 9). 1954 HITS ARCHIVE: Oh! My Papa – Eddie Fisher (a #1 record) [Video]. Youtube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qPyVO3xtdBk