“I can’t even think about the holidays yet!”

by Chaplain Julia Rajtar, MAPS, BCC

This year, when someone says to you, “I don’t want to celebrate the holidays,” how might you respond?  It is true that those who are grieving are adapting and adjusting to so much as a result of their death, and then are expected, sometimes by themselves and often by others, to maintain the holidays with a joyful and energetic enthusiasm.

This is too soon to be discussing the holidays! The stores are already filled with Halloween and Thanksgiving items, and I have already seen Christmas decorations in the aisles of many stores. The bereaved have already been thinking about it, whether spoken out loud or not. They are already holding that sadness in their hearts and in their eyes. Yes, our loved ones are no longer suffering. Yes, our loved ones are at peace – if that is part of your religious beliefs.  Yes, our hearts are broken. Mourning a person who died does not stop, or even take a break, because the holidays are approaching.  So how will you prepare for the holidays without your special person who died?

A starting point might be that none of us should expect things to be the same; they aren’t.  We have not had to experience a holiday without this special person. To expect to go through the holiday as if the person didn’t die is like putting a band-aid on when there is no stick to the band–aid– it won’t serve its purpose.

Can you keep the holiday rituals and traditions the same? They aren’t the same already, and yet, children need familiar routine.  So how do you manage that while you are all grieving?  Supporting Children who are Grieving During the Holiday Season, is a download from the National Alliance for Children’s Grief.   Holidays and Grief from The Dougy Center can guide you as you navigate the season with your children.

Surviving the Holidays from The Compassionate Friends(an organization that supports families after the death of a child at any age) can offer some guidance.

If children are involved, how will you include them in preparing for the holiday?  Starting a conversation about the reality and absence of that special person can be supportive.  What will you keep the same because routine and familiarity matter for children, and what has to change because it’s too difficult, painful, or impossible this year but might return next year?  Can someone else take on some of those tasks?

Acknowledge the absence of that person who died and discuss how you will honor them this year.  Is it the photo holiday card with the family, holding a photo of the person who died?  Is it setting an extra place at the table or leaving an empty chair?  Is it lighting a candle and saying a special prayer, or making a memory ornament and placing it on a tree? You can Google Memorial Holiday Ornaments and find lots of ideas for making items.

What is right for you and your family this year, as you prepare for the joyful family gatherings and holiday times, while hearts are broken?

Resource for Creating Holiday Memories after a Death:

https://whatsyourgrief.com/creating-new-tradition-after-a-death/