What is grief and why do I need to know?

by Chaplain Julia Rajtar, MAPS, BCC

While working as a chaplain, I discovered a theme in many visits: most people were experiencing some type of loss. Their loss came in the form of loss of mobility, loss of function, loss of hope, loss of home, loss of lifestyle, loss of ability, loss of certainty, loss of a future, and other losses. It was sometimes difficult to acknowledge these types of losses because people didn’t commonly discuss these, other than death losses. As many patients would tell me when asked what helps them cope, a common refrain was, “You just had to deal with it.”  

How do you understand grief, and why does it even matter?  Would you describe it as “stages” that we go through after someone dies?  Would you say it’s all about the emotions we experience after death?  Would you tell someone it’s awful, painful, complicated, something that happens for a year, and then you’re done?  Would you say it comes when you lose a job or your political party loses the election?

There are a lot of myths about grief. Research has advanced our understanding of grief, grieving, and loss. Many definitions describe grief; some are more helpful than others. These definitions are from resources and researchers in the field of dying, death, and bereavement. Each definition is accurate.  

• Grief is a type of stress reaction – a set of highly personal and subjective responses that individuals experience in connection with real, perceived or anticipated losses.  Includes cognitive, spiritual, behavioral, and physiological responses.  (Handbook of Thanatology, 3rd Ed, Loss, Grief and Mourning)
• … only an individual can determine whether a loss has indeed occurred – and the significance of that loss.
• Loss is an experience where there is a change in circumstance, perception, or experience where it would be impossible to return to the way things were before. (Non-Death Loss and Grief, Introduction)
• …acknowledge grief for what it truly is: a natural and normal response to loss interwoven into a sociocultural context. Grief is not an experience that needs to be “silenced,” “treated,” or pathologized.” Grief, and all its many complications it imposes on the griever, is an experience that needs and deserves understanding, support, and community. #UnderstandGrief: Being Grief-Informed: From Understanding to Action.
• Grief is a single point in time. As a human emotion, we will experience grief at any time we are aware of the loss of someone important to us, even years later.
• Grieving is a process, a change over time. More than a one-time point needs to be measured for grieving. (Webinar: The Grieving Brain, Hospice Foundation of America)

Understanding what grief is, can help us to acknowledge that there is nothing wrong with us when we are grieving. Everyone responds to grief in a unique way; there is no one way to grieve, and grief is both normal and natural.  

Grief can last a lifetime and usually quiets down over time. Grieving is not easy.  We often experience emotional, physical, spiritual, and sometimes relational changes.  The reality is that most of us adapt to loss and are able to function daily (albeit a little differently) while our grief is most intense.  Grief is interwoven into our identity; it always goes with us, and there is no “correct” way to grieve.  Sometimes, we might even feel helpless or out of control as we grieve; for example, a bereaved often expresses this feeling by saying, “I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.”

Feeling heard can help diminish that feeling of isolation while we are grieving; this also means knowing how to support others even when their lived experience and grieving responses differ from our own. Our expectations of how someone “should” grieve can create barriers rather than relational connection and perceived support. Offer the grieving non-judgmental listening, open-mindedness, and support.

Grieving is about learning how to place and carry that deceased person in our lives as we continue to live on in a world without them. 

References:

Doka, Kenneth J. and Chow, Amy Y.M. (2023). Handbook of Thanatology (Heather Servaty-Seib and Helen Stanton Chapple, Eds, Third Ed.). Association for Death Education and Counseling. 

Harris, Darcy L. (2020). Non-Death Loss and Grief, (Darcy L. Harris, Ed.) Routledge.

O’Connor, Mary-Francis, PhD, (2023, September 12). The Grieving Brain[Webinar]. Hospice Foundation of America.  https://hospicefoundation.org/hfa-product/the-grieving-brain/

Schuurman, Donna L., Edd, FT and Mitchell, Monique B, PhD, FT. (2022) #UnderstandGrief: Being Grief-Informed: From Understanding to Action. Dougy Center. https://www.dougy.org/get-involved/join-in/understandgrief/10-core-principles-of-being-grief-informed