The “Firsts”

By Julia Rajtar, MAPS, BCC

When you drop a pebble in the water, you see the ripple effect of that pebble touching the water.  The ripple effect is an image of the many “firsts” we experience after a person dies.  Often the firsts are referred to as getting to the major milestones like birthdays and holidays. However, in this article, “firsts” refers to all the things you do for the first time, without your special person.

• I did my first vacation without my spouse, feeling both excited about going away and all the while missing her as we would plan and pack and go to the airport together. It was hard without her in the seat next to me. I cried some, hid in my book some, and talked with anyone who would engage with me. No one knew that she was still here with me, in my heart, in a photo, and in some other ways. No one knew.
• I took my car to the service station for an oil change…he used to do that, it was his job! I felt lost and a little humiliated as the service person asked if I was waiting or had a ride to return for the car later. I wanted to scream, No, I don’t have a ride!  My ride is gone! I was so angry that the service person seemed so insensitive. The reality is, they did know my spouse had died. Over the course of his illness, my spouse tried to prepare the service department beforehand on how to support me when I arrived for the first time to get the oil changed. The service person knew I “no longer had my ride,” and he did offer that someone could give me a ride home and bring me back later. I was so relieved! 
• I made my first meatloaf; it wasn’t perfect, but it was edible. She used to make that, and we would share a meal together at the table, talking about the day, world events, and other things. Now my table is in front of the TV where my companion is “Jeopardy.” 
• The first time I did the laundry without her, I had to call someone for help, not realizing that reds and whites don’t go into the same load. Immediately, I went out and bought some new clothes.
• Well-meaning family remained with me at the house for a few nights after he died. I was ready for them all to go home. I needed some space. What I wasn’t expecting that first night alone was the suffering silence. And, I didn’t realize that my children needed to be around me then, as the surviving parent, not wanting me to disappear too.

There are a lot of firsts we experience after the death of a loved one.  Some of those firsts come in large packages, while others are more personal and on a smaller scale, yet they are no less significant.

We often dread the “firsts” because, in experiencing them, we also experience the thoughts, behaviors, and emotions that come with doing something for the first time, without that special person.  It often brings back memories that are both helpful and painful.  Yet the “firsts” are not avoidable, as much as we try.

As we begin to find a way in life without that special person who died, we grieve and mourn all those losses, the loss of a travel companion, the loss of a car maintenance person, the loss of the cook, the loss of their presence, the loss of a clothes washing expert, the loss of companionship or intimacy.  As we begin to experience these absences, we also grieve them, sometimes recognizing them as loss, sometimes just experiencing a range of emotions that come with this difficult transition.  There are many losses we experience as a result of the death of our special person.  Each of these losses becomes part of the “firsts” as you begin to find your way in a world without that loved one.  Grieve each loss in whatever way is most meaningful to you, whether silently or out loud, whether talking with another or talking to a photo of them.  Grieve in whatever way is right for you.

A bereaved person was preparing for their first Christmas holiday without their special person.  They always took a family photo together and were struggling with what to do this year. The children wanted one, but the mom didn’t have the heart. They decided to keep this meaningful tradition, but with a twist. They chose to take a family photo with one person holding a photo of the deceased, with the group. They still took their family photo together, honoring an old tradition and creating the first of a new one.