How to Support a Family After the Unspeakable

by Chaplain Julia Rajtar, MAPS, BCC

The unspeakable occurred in our neighboring state of Minnesota, a shooting at a grade school.  We heard stories in the media, and we offered thoughts and prayers. We heard about both the brokenness and hope of a community. Yet, what do we do, what do we say to support families after the death of a child?

When a child dies, it is devastating for the parents and family, sometimes even a community, no matter the age of the child or the circumstances of the death. Most of us do what we can to support families, meals, prayers, and hugs.  One very practical tip family has suggested is that they ask that we not say, “you can always have another child,” a statement often made when a baby dies, and which is intended to offer comfort. The reality is, we grieve the death of that child forever.  We learn to live with that loss, but that child can never ever be replaced. Families have shared that this phrase is not comforting or helpful.

What do parents/families need as we try to support them in their grieving, whether the child is 10 or 30?  If you want to know more about how to support, Bakken-Young is hosting a webinar, You’re not supposed to die before me: Death of a child at any age, on October 16, 2025, from 6:30-8 pm. Our speaker, Pamela Gabbay, has a vast wealth of experience and knowledge, both working with, supporting, and educating children and families. 

Someone said, “The death of a child is always traumatic.”  As parents have so often said when a child dies, “You’re not supposed to die before me.”  Whether you are the one with a child who died, or want to support a family whose child died, or want to learn more just in case, please join us for this meaningful and timely webinar.   

Other Resources:

For parents, families, and supportive adults, take a few minutes to understand how to support a child and recognize what is and is not helpful.  

• Support After a Mass Tragedy, Dougy Center
• Talking to Children About Violence: Tips for Families and Educators, National Association of School Psychologists
• Healing Hearts Connection Grief Camps for children and families
• Brighter Days Family Grief Center
• Grief and Other Types of Loss, Hospice Foundation of America

For Schools:  National Center for School Crisis and Bereavement