It’s Not Helpful

by Chaplain Julia Rajtar, MAPS, BCC

In conversations with the bereaved, there are times when a well-intentioned person wanting to provide support will attempt to offer comfort by giving advice on how to grieve or how long to grieve, or by encouraging the bereaved to move on. Grieving affects our identity and our relationships. Although we need and value support, some of it may not be helpful. Yet, how do you tell someone that what they are offering in support is not helpful, without hurting the relationship or their feelings, when you are already feeling vulnerable?

Dr. Pamela Gabbay, Ed.D., FT, our presenter for our fall webinar, reminded me that it’s okay for the bereaved to let the supporter know if what they are offering is helpful or not. She recommends that the bereaved simply say, “It’s not helpful.”  Further clarification or conversation might be beneficial; yet, sometimes the bereaved aren’t certain what they even need.  I often suggest patience, forgiveness, and a little grace for both the bereaved and the supporter.

In a large family, the adult children were slowly cleaning out the house, the dad having died only 3 months earlier.  Slowly, things were being cleaned out.  One of the daughters shared that she walked into the home one day and found all of dad’s clothing stuffed into trash bags, sitting all over the couch and living room floor.  She became so angry and didn’t understand why.  When she finally found out which of the siblings had done this, she called and said some hurtful and regretful things to the sibling.  The helpful sibling explained that they were cleaning out the closet to make it easier for others.  They thought it would be helpful to do a task that they could do so others could tackle other things.  The bereaved was livid because she had been one of Dad’s caregivers, the clothes were the things she washed, folded, and chose for him to wear over the past years. They represented him, and she wasn’t ready to “trash” them, much less let him go. The helpful sibling said the clothes were put into trash bags because that was the largest container they could find for the clothing to be donated.  There was a lot of misunderstanding and mistrust, because neither clearly communicated. Although it was not helpful to the daughter that her sibling started clearing out clothes, and she never had the opportunity to express her feelings, she also recognized that her sibling was acting out of good intentions, as she cleared the air between them and knew the task needed to be done.

“Our address book changes” while we are grieving is a sentiment shared by the bereaved.  Sometimes, the person we need at this time, is not always the person we were closest to before the death. For the supporters, don’t be offended.  You have a gift you have brought to this person’s life, and either that relationship will continue, or be suspended, while the bereaved tries to find their way in the world without their special person. Or the relationship may end if it is no longer supportive. For the bereaved, the supporters often don’t know what you need; they act with the best intentions, hold that in heart and mind before acting or speaking. At some point, you will know what is helpful and what is not.  It’s ok to tell someone, “it’s not helpful,” to take care of yourself while grieving.  You do not need to say more than that.  You’re intent is not to offend the supporter, but simply to take care of yourself.