9 Things to Say Instead of “Let Me Know What You Need”

Question: How many times has it been said, “Let me know what you need,” to a bereaved person? Ten times? A few? 20 plus? Whatever the case, this is something everyone has been told countless times, a few too many. While one’s support system might be trying their best and is genuine, they really don’t know what to say. After all, how is one supposed to provide comfort when the weight of death weighs heavily on a person? How can someone possibly say something helpful? The truth is, one really doesn’t have the right words and may never have words that are enough. That’s why Bakken-Young is here. Bakken-Young is more than a place where funerals are held; this funeral home provides practical and helpful steps forward and walks with those who are grieving and bereaved. That’s why there’s this blog, to help one through those hardest moments. While grief may never go away, one can learn healthy coping methods and better ways to deal with the pain, which makes one stronger. Grief isn’t something to solve, but it is something one can learn more about and help others with as life goes on. Now, here are 9 Things to Say Instead of “Let Me Know What You Need.”

#1: “I’m running errands later, can I grab you something?”

This is a wonderful question to ask someone who is grieving. The bereaved may not have the motivation to run errands, sometimes out of fear of running into someone, other times because it is so hard to go out in public. Whichever their personal reasoning is, or if they don’t realize what they need, this is a tremendously helpful ask. Consider doing so for a friend or family member who has lost a loved one.

#2: “I made extra food. Can I drop some off tomorrow?”

Perfect! Even better would be just offering a home-cooked meal. Or, just asking when to drop off the meal. We have a few blogs on this already, covering different recipes one can try or comfort food suggestions (click the link here for the first one and the link here for the second one). One of the best options is lasagna. A great way to give the bereaved lasagna is to prep it all ahead of time, when all it needs is to go into the oven. Just write a note on the length of time and temperature for them, and voila! A beautiful and thoughtful meal is ready to go.

#3: “Want company? Or just someone to sit with?”

Sometimes, the best support is silence. And, sometimes just the presence of another person is enough. Maybe it is a struggle to find the right words, then just offer a shoulder, a hug, or presence. Showing up and checking in is what truly matters to the grieving and bereaved.

#4: “Can I take [specific thing] off your plate this week?”

This is another perfect example of an active way to show up for the bereaved. Taking something off their to-do list, paying for groceries or a late bill can go so much further than one realizes. It may be just enough to make a world of difference to them.

#5: “No pressure to reply, I’m just thinking of you.”

After checking in with the grieving and bereaved, they might feel pressure to explain everything or to try to “put on a brave face,” which isn’t honest to how they’re truly feeling. Sending a kind message and checking in frequently can go much further. And stating that they should not feel pressured just shows the value of the support and respect one gives to a friendship.

#6: “I’m free this weekend if you want quiet company or help getting stuff done.”

This is another great example of just showing up and putting oneself out there. Action, action, action! Serving others is a beautiful and perfect way to demonstrate love. And the bereaved and grieving especially need love in their hardest moments.

#7: “I know calls can be draining, want me to text instead?”

This one is a great example of support for the younger generation. Sometimes, they aren’t big on socialization, and their way of communicating may come easier in little messages that check in. Offering to text someone introverted is also a great way to show support without overwhelming them. Dealing with funeral arrangements means many phone calls, and the grieving and bereaved might not feel up to any more communication. So, keep this in mind, even if it isn’t a preferred way of communication. There are many options and different ways to show love and support to someone!

#8: “I’m grabbing coffee later. Can I drop one at your door?”

Another one for the younger generation. They love coffee (well, most people do). A coffee can be a mood-booster. If coffee doesn’t sound good or the bereaved does not enjoy coffee, a little snack, ice cream, juice, or something else small goes a long way. If they need a real meal, offer to drop one off and stay a while, if they are up for it.

#9: “You don’t have to say anything. I’m not going anywhere.”

Yes. Sometimes all it takes is just presence and silence. Supporting those grieving doesn’t have to be a daunting task. It’s the little things that go much further. Showing up, offering a hug, holding a hand, watching a show…all of those can go a long way. Just being with the bereaved demonstrates dedication and support. It shows they are truly not alone and there’s genuine care.

This is the way

Notice in all of these, there is an action taking place. The person volunteers to help out, run an errand, deliver food or groceries, or just stop by without the pressure of having a deep conversation. Your grief is yours, so what works best for you may not work best for someone else. And that is okay. We are all unique individuals. There is no right or wrong way to support someone, but taking more action in their life and showing up will go much farther than simply saying, “let me know if you need anything.”

Are there more phrases you’ve heard that you cherish? Or are there ones you’ve heard that you need to let others know not to say? Comment on this blog post below!

Remember, we are all human. Sometimes we misspeak. Sometimes we don’t say enough. And other times we just don’t know. If you have ever been hurt by the words someone has said after your loss, we are incredibly sorry… Give them the grace and forgiveness in that moment, and you’ll feel lighter. We are here to help.

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